yoga retreat

Did you enjoy Black Panther? Have you derived great joy from the elation that the film has elicited? Did the wonder of Wakanda give you some small respite from the political hell that we are presently mired in?

Well, I regret to inform you that any joy you may feel is woefully misguided. While Black Panther may, at first glance, have seemed groundbreaking, some internet intellectuals have helpfully taken it upon themselves to point out that, actually, it is riddled with problems that you, not-an-intellectual, probably overlooked.

Please do not think these people are being mean-spirited. They are simply adhering to the law. Per clause 4.1(a) of the Net Negativity Act, no one is allowed to enjoy anything without someone on the internet explaining, well, actually, your pleasure is extremely problematic.

And per clause 4.1(b), under no circumstances should a woman of colour be allowed to enjoy anything at any point ever. That messes with the natural order of things. I mean, can you imagine if women of colour just wantonly went around feeling happy? Mere anarchy would be loosed upon the world!

In order to prevent this from happening, some people bravely took to Twitter to explain that you can’t call Black Panther “revolutionary” because, unlike other Marvel films, it hasn’t managed to fix racial and gender inequality, prevent mass shootings, and bring peace to the Middle East.

Some people also argued that the badass women in Black Panther were not actually that badass if you compared them to Wonder Woman. Nothing could ever be more feminist than Wonder Woman, a Koch-brothers-funded film, after all! Sorry, but the verdict is that if you liked Black Panther more than Wonder Woman you’re probably sexist.

To be honest, you’re probably sexist anyway. We all do things every day that we don’t realize are sexist until the internet gets mad about them and illuminates us. So I’ve rounded up a few other issues the internet got upset about this week to ensure you remain as woke as humanly possible.

Yoga pants are bad for women

You know what would have made Black Panther a truly feminist film? If everyone in it had worn sweatpants. You see, sweatpants are the official uniform of the active feminist, according to a fascinating op-ed published last Sunday in the New York Times explaining “why yoga pants are bad for women”.

“It’s not good manners for women to tell other women how to dress; that’s the job of male fashion photographers,” Honor Jones writes in the op-ed. She goes on, however, to tell women that they should wear sweatpants to the gym because yoga pants are a tool of patriarchal oppression.

That was news to me, I’ve got to admit, and I had to read the article again to check if it was satire or not. Unfortunately, I was losing brain cells so rapidly while reading that I had to abandon my analysis on account of my health.

However, judging from the levels of outrage the article provoked, I believe Jones might have been being serious. Now, at this point, you might be thinking: “I literally can’t imagine anything stupider to argue about than yoga pants.” Well, hold my coat …

Are coats good for women?

As you no doubt saw, Jennifer Lawrence did not wear a coat. Some men did.
 As you no doubt saw, Jennifer Lawrence did not wear a coat. Some men did. Photograph: Joel C Ryan/Invision/AP

Just as the Great Yoga Pants Debate of 2018 had begun to wind down, the year’s first important Outerwear Outrage kicked off. As you no doubt saw, Jennifer Lawrence did not wear a coat in a recent London photoshoot for her new film. Meanwhile, she was flanked by four men wearing coats.

People were immediately outraged that Lawrence was freezing to death for the male gaze. On Wednesday, Lawrence herself weighed in on the matter, stating on Facebook: “Wow … This is not only utterly ridiculous, I am extremely offended. That Versace dress was fabulous, you think I’m going to cover that gorgeous dress up with a coat and a scarf … This is sexist, this is ridiculous, this is not feminism … Get a grip people. Everything you see me wear is my choice. And if I want to be cold THATS MY CHOICE TOO!”

As righteous social media retorts go, that one gave me goosebumps.

Men are from Mars and Mars is super-misogynistic

On Wednesday, NBC ran a piece about how “the patriarchal race to colonize Mars is just another example of male entitlement”. If you want a laugh I suggest you go on Twitter and check out the responses to the article.

The brief summary is that a lot of men are outraged anyone could suggest an obsession with sending big expensive rockets into space while the Earth grows more unequal every day, has anything to do with male entitlement.

Honestly, I can’t understand why anyone wants to go to Mars anyway. I can barely get through a New York winter and the temperature on Mars is an average of minus 80 degrees Fahrenheit (minus 60 degrees Celsius). Some people might say it’s ridiculous to moan about space-weather in the face of Progress but if I want to be warm THAT’S MY CHOICE TOO!